Ponderous Occurrances

When you have an overwhelming experience in your life such as a marriage, a death, a divorce, a reunion, I have found that are always some things that you ponder over and over and over again. In each situation it is obviously vastly different; however, you still get things stuck in your head that you cannot get out. Here are a few of mine.

My Kansas parents are so incredibly kind to one another it is a modeling that, even at 40, I admire. Momma Wilder thanked Dad over and over for the things he did for her. She always asked him if there was things she could do for him and vise versa. The two of them laughed together, really laughed. Dad hugged Diane and gave her little pats all the time she received a lot of positive feedback for all the kind things she did. Finally, I couldn't stand it and I complemented the both of them for their behaviors to one another. Diane said that they had always worked on that and over time it is just the way it got to be. It was work however. Well, the poor man who gets me just got another behavioral expectation put on his plate. Poor man.

Another thing I found very curious were the family resemblances. People say there are things that have nothing to do with living with one another and I have always believed that, but until now, had never experienced it. I was humored over and over again by the little things and the big things. Now, I had never had communication with my brother David before I went to Kansas. To say the least, I was a little hesitant to see what he thought of this other sister he had and how we would interact. Funny thing was there were several times the words I was thinking came right out of his mouth. I was dumbfounded. And then I would laugh. My sister, Jenna, and I have similar mannerisms, are not the quiet, reserved type (who knew?), and I told my parents that perhaps it was good that they didn't have to raise the two of us together. We both have the same hazel eyes, both have the same chicken poc scar on our foreheads and we even said some things in unison a couple of times. It was really, really funny. There were the physical resemblances too. Cheekbones, smiles, eyes, hands for me and dad, just things that our DNA provide. My father and I walk around singing to ourselves all day and like the same classic rock genre. We both like to cook and I think our personalities have some similar qualities too.

Something that made me very sad and ponderous was how little information and photographs that the Wilder family had of me. There were only a handful of pictures from about age 3mo to about age 8...and that was it. Putting myself in their shoes, what a horrible place to be stuck- a daughter you cannot imagine beyond the year of age 8-that nearly broke my heart. Added on to that was the negligible amount of information they had of me after I moved to Spokane with my mother about age 2 1/2. And quite frankly, how little information I had of what my biological set of parents relationship was built upon. I pretty much knew nothing. Now I get to ponder why I was never told and is it even important anyway? I just don't know. I am not really good at just letting things go unfortunately, so we will see how that flies.

Finally, Momma Wilder, in all of our conversations about growing up and being the kind of teacher I am and my other life experiences would say over and over-"You really could write a book." Does she know how many times that has popped into my head? Then the Gremlin of the Month says, "You could write one, but it ain't getting published Sister. No one wants to read what you have to say." All the frickin' time...UGH! You never know...perhaps I do have something to say.

Something else to add to my list of pondering.

Open Arms

When we left the airport we went to Applebees for a drink and appetizers. I was starving and it was just right. When Dad left the table, Diane said, "We were in the grocery today and Journey's Open Arms came on. Steve said that was our song for my coming and started choking up." It seems he had been very emotional that day off and on. Me too, only differently. Mine was fear, his was excitement of sorts.

I can't at this time give an overall story to my trip to my new family. It is still too overwhelming. For now, I am posting the things that are at the forefront of my thoughts today...the rest will come later.

Things I remember vividly:

Hugging my Dad for the first time.

Jenna coming through the door and immediately taking me in for a sister hug.

My niece asking for Sis's info to text, because she wasn't there (160 texts in one day, I might add)

Meeting the important people in Steve and Diane's life and feeling their reaction to me.

My nephew T giving me a big hug before he left the first time I met him.

My nephew C and all his little loves.

My nephew L and his big smile.

Spending the day with my brother David and him putting his arm around me for a sibling and Dad photo.

Figuring out just how entirely similar Jenna and I are to one another. (Uncanny, I say...)

Meeting and getting to know my very wonderful brother in law and sister in law to be. My siblings are such lucky, special people.

Momma Wilder's unending kindness and sensitivity-she would let Dad and I talk when she thought it was appropriate-even on her birthday.

Figuring out Momma Wilder's Love Language for sure in about 2 seconds flat!

Her telling me what a hole I had filled and me dumbfounded that I could fill that hole.

Me asking Steve if it was appropriate and okay to even call him Dad.

Dad's huge hands that look exactly like mine, only in giant size.

Kansas thunder, hail and lightning

How badly my heart hurt to leave. I will never forget that pull all the way back to Seattle.

I guess Open Arms, really was appropriate.

Traveling

I figured I had better get this started, before what has happened since I got home befuddles my what happened when I was gone story. It could. Our brains do that ya know...it must be true, I read it in Brain Rules. I hope you are not bored by my blow by blow here; I think I want to remember everything.

I didn't sleep much the night before I left for Kansas...at this point I've lost the memory of what I laid there thinking about, but I think I wish I would have written it down. It could have been extremely insightful. I actually had a lot of peace that Saturday morning. Drank coffee. Had breakfast. Talked to Mom and Jess.

Getting dressed was a bit of a scene however. I had picked out my clothes before, pretty much knew what makeup I would wear, but had a heck of a time with jewelry. Yes jewelry. What does one wear to meet their father? At first it was pearls. Ya can't go wrong with pearls right? They're timeless. And too short for my neckline. Then it was the pretty 3 diamond necklace I got for my 39th birthday. That would be perfect...and too long. Why the hell was I perseverating on jewelry? Because I wanted to feel pretty, proud and confident. So FINALLY, I decided on a long chain with white stones embedded in it and wore it as a double. Jeesh, glad that was done. Bags packed, repacked and completely ready. I let my kid's dad know I was ready and he could come anytime...and by the way could he please bring an Americano with French Vanilla Creamer? He called me the high maintenance ex. That day I was for sure, and I was okay with that. Thank God so was he.

Steve and Diane had sent me flowers for Valentine's Day...I felt soooo spoiled and the kids were sent a package. Well it hadn't come until just that day. When the kids and their dad came to get me I took it to the care so that they could open their gifts. Inside, a Kansas University shirt for the boy and a very cute red heart watch for the girl. I took photos and text them to G'ma and G'pa Wilder. So cool.

SeaTac was so non eventful that quite frankly I can only remember checking in...only because I forgot my coffee on the counter...sacrilege! I apparently boarded and found my seat without any trouble and met a Financial Advisor from Bellingham, traveling to Miami to work and look at women in bikinis. "Eye Candy" he called it. Apparently, Bellingham is not a bachelor's paradise. He asked where I was traveling and why. I told him. His mouth dropped and was amazed. He asked some questions and then settled in to study for the test to get into financial grad school in Chicago. I took this as a nudge from above and studied for the GRE-cause I bought the GRE for Dummies book right? Might as well use it! That it took my mind off other things was just a side note.

As we flew into Denver, I thought for just a fleeting second...I was born here. Then the realization of only having 10 minutes to get to my next plane took over. Luckily it was at the very next gate. I boarded and sat quietly for a long time. The woman next to me struck up a conversation about living in Kansas. I asked what it was like. She said, "The people of Kansas are the salt of the earth." I liked that. She asked why I was visiting and I explained my excursion. She gasped. I mentioned that my life was currently much like a Hallmark channel movie. She laughed and we proceeded to have a wonderful conversation that calmed my ever tingling nerves. So thankful to that woman. As the plane arrived in Wichita, I was so calm, so put together. I was so proud of myself.

Then I walked down the hall to the lobby. Just at then end before I rounded the corner, where I knew I would see my father for the first time since I was little, I started to panic. Hyperventilate and had to stop. Catch my breath, say a little prayer and then begin the journey to a reunion of family lost and then found.

I saw them before they saw me. My father and his wife looking, looking, looking at the faces in the crowd. I waved and they saw me. Both waved back. About 20 yards away, I couldn't stand it anymore, I instinctively started running. I was thinking, why I am running...I look like such a nerd. So did he and I got he biggest hug you can imagine. I tried not to cry, but the tears just started coming. I wept and giggled and couldn't believe my biological father; the one I have wondered about and wished to meet and wanted to know wanted me wept and giggled too. What a lovely reunion.

Gremlins

You'd say the word "gremlins" around my daughter and she used to about blow a gasket; now she gives you the stink eye. One family movie night several years ago, my girlfriend & I tried watching this movie with our kids...let's just say it didn't go over well...at least not with my girl. From then on just saying the word was a way to antagonize her to the "nth" degree. Just ask my boy. He did this with the finesse only an older brother could provide. Gremlins was also a verb used by a life coach I once worked with to describe the lovely things in our life that hold us back, bring us down, keep us from our potential and pretty much what we allow to trip us up.

This week I have been facing a GREMLIN...100 feet tall, furry with bulging eyes and pointed teeth. His talons are inches long and the crevise like scars left on my psyche don't seem to fully heal. I have held this creature in the little box on the imaginary shelf in my closet for most of my life. Sometimes the little bugger gets out. Then he torments me to some varying degree of maliciousness and quietly sneaks back to his box to await another vernerable time in my life. Yeah, well, this is it. The opportunity has arisen and GREMLIN, A+, number one is out for blood this time.

I have a fear, a fear I have had all of my life. This fear, I have allowed to become a thin lining that underlies all that I do, think and feel. I don't like it. In fact, I f*&%ing hate it. Mostly because what I have allowed it to do or better said, keep me from doing in life. My fear is not being good enough. Not being a good enough daughter or student in my younger years. Not being a good enough teacher. Certainly not being a good enough wife. I have a failed marriage to prove that one. Let's talk about being a mom...I haven't done a good enough job raising my kids or they wouldn't sleep late or use sarcasm. Certainly, not a good one of those. Oh and relationships. Yeah, I suck at those too. I am not thin enough, quiet enough, slutty enough or beautiful enough to keep one of those going. Yeah, not good enough has been a big ol part of my life.

This week it has been that I am applying to graduate school (probably won't do well enough on the GRE to get in). I have started a business that I certainly can't handle because people buy from me because they feel sorry for me instead of like a really, great product. (Someone actually said that to me...) No matter that if I work this business I will be able to pay my bills and stand on my own two feet without help from others. Is there a chance that my budding relationship will fail with my biological father and his family because I am not good enough? Was I not good enough to relationship with all these years? How about the program I teach in...have I not tried hard enough to make it the best I can for kids? All these things came to a crashing, screeching, barrier based head this week. I came home from school with a whopper of a panic attack on Monday. Tuesday night I cried my eyes out to a friend who called to see what was up. Wednesday, I lost it a bit in front of my teaching partner. Thursday, I became a stoic wall in a meeting and today, I let it rest for a bit. Kinda wondering what tomorrow will be when I shop for my trip. Reality is sinking in folks. This IS my current situation. What in the world am I going to do from here?

When the gremlin gets out of the box things can get wild. They haven't gotten this wild for a while. Perhaps I need to hall my hiney back to the counselor. Perhaps. For now, I think my choice is to sit with the gremlin, let me feel him out, push through this hard time and then flip the f*#$er off.

That should send him on his way.

Butterflies Approach

Today is the first time I have felt physically nervous about meeting my Kansas family. It actually ran through my mind that I could cancel my trip. I wouldn't really do that however; I would be a liar if I said it didn't go through my mind.

I have been wanting to get a some little gifts for my niece and nephews-I know how to smooze the kiddos-and so I wrote to my sister.

All of a sudden that small feeling of panic came creeping in like the first snow flake that falls every so slowly out of the sky in ever so slow motion.

My mouth watered, my stomach tightened...I felt the good old not good enough fear come slowly, upon my body and set me off kilter, just a little bit.

How will I fit in?

Will it be uncomfortable?

What if the family does not like me?

What if I am an emotional train wreck?

What if my brother feels I am intruding?

What if I don't get along with my sister after all?

What do I call Diane and Steve?

So many insecurities I figured would eventually arise. Now they are here and and I am just not so sure how to handle them. So I pray and plan and think positive thoughts...and the butterflies approach.