During the Thanksgiving Holiday I was able to do a few things. First I figured out what it was like to be alone on a holiday. I did it. I didn't think I was going to do it, but I did. I went to Brandy's house for a fabulous breakfast and then came home, took a nap and then pretty much watched TV for the rest of the day. No drama after all. Probably a bummer for you, the reader, but it was a breakthrough for me. Whew!
Another event of the holiday weekend was a new laptop...ours had died and when the night came when my kids couldn't do their homework, I knew I had to pony up. I got a good deal and am fairly happy with my purchase. That is another story.
Finally and the best experience of the weekend, I purchased tickets to go to Kansas. Yes, I did. I had to think about it, get nervous about it, let the butterflies and moths of past memories flutter. A lot. Then I pressed purchase.
Steve had mentioned all of us meeting at some point and I had kind of sloughed it off. That I had "met" him had been good enough. I wasn't really allowing myself to think that they would really want to meet me. I think my fears of rejection were creeping in and cluttering the issue. The magnetic pull of curiosity, DNA and family history overcame me.
One of the biggest considerations was how long to go. While I have the whole week of President's week off, I didn't want to invade their work lives, since they didn't have all that time off. Also I was scared, terrified, actually. What happened if it didn't go well. So I picked 4 days instead of a week. A good first meeting, without my kids, just as someone's kid. That they desperately want to get to know.
After the purchase I knew I would have to tell the fam. I was pretty sure that Daddy would be fine. He was, in fact. He said he was happy for me and I should have fun. Then he had to go and I couldn't talk to Mom. I tried to talk to her several other times, but the timing wasn't right. She's looking for a new job due to budget cuts, so...surely she would be supportive though, right. Again, it was almost 40 years ago. I know she's been struggling with this reunion, but I can't base my actions on hers. Mom needs to work through her "stuff" and I have to move through mine.
The last few times we spoke she has been very quick to tell me how she loves me and has always wanted me. These are things I already know. Due to these and a few other behaviors and actions by the woman who bore me, she's bugged-really bugged. And I can't do anything about it.
As we were finishing our Saturday morning conversation ritual this morning, I blurted out, "I am going to Kansas in February." After a rather long, lengthy pause, her only comment was, "You are moving fast on this." Really? Nothing else...oh yes, there was...."I guess you would want to do that." I told her they were really kind and wonderful people, she said people could change in 30 years. I am not sure of what the hell happened all that time ago, but holy toledo is there baggage.
Unfortunately, it is not my baggage and so I why did I bawl for on and off for the day. Good lord, family can sometimes suck.
I am happy, excited, nervous, thrilled to go to Kansas. These are people I want to meet. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. This is my life.
