Headed to Kansas

Been wanting to write this post, but didn't feel I could because I wanted to wait and tell my mother that I was making that trip. I spoke with her this morning.

During the Thanksgiving Holiday I was able to do a few things. First I figured out what it was like to be alone on a holiday. I did it. I didn't think I was going to do it, but I did. I went to Brandy's house for a fabulous breakfast and then came home, took a nap and then pretty much watched TV for the rest of the day. No drama after all. Probably a bummer for you, the reader, but it was a breakthrough for me. Whew!

Another event of the holiday weekend was a new laptop...ours had died and when the night came when my kids couldn't do their homework, I knew I had to pony up. I got a good deal and am fairly happy with my purchase. That is another story.

Finally and the best experience of the weekend, I purchased tickets to go to Kansas. Yes, I did. I had to think about it, get nervous about it, let the butterflies and moths of past memories flutter. A lot. Then I pressed purchase.

Steve had mentioned all of us meeting at some point and I had kind of sloughed it off. That I had "met" him had been good enough. I wasn't really allowing myself to think that they would really want to meet me. I think my fears of rejection were creeping in and cluttering the issue. The magnetic pull of curiosity, DNA and family history overcame me.

One of the biggest considerations was how long to go. While I have the whole week of President's week off, I didn't want to invade their work lives, since they didn't have all that time off. Also I was scared, terrified, actually. What happened if it didn't go well. So I picked 4 days instead of a week. A good first meeting, without my kids, just as someone's kid. That they desperately want to get to know.

After the purchase I knew I would have to tell the fam. I was pretty sure that Daddy would be fine. He was, in fact. He said he was happy for me and I should have fun. Then he had to go and I couldn't talk to Mom. I tried to talk to her several other times, but the timing wasn't right. She's looking for a new job due to budget cuts, so...surely she would be supportive though, right. Again, it was almost 40 years ago. I know she's been struggling with this reunion, but I can't base my actions on hers. Mom needs to work through her "stuff" and I have to move through mine.

The last few times we spoke she has been very quick to tell me how she loves me and has always wanted me. These are things I already know. Due to these and a few other behaviors and actions by the woman who bore me, she's bugged-really bugged. And I can't do anything about it.

As we were finishing our Saturday morning conversation ritual this morning, I blurted out, "I am going to Kansas in February." After a rather long, lengthy pause, her only comment was, "You are moving fast on this." Really? Nothing else...oh yes, there was...."I guess you would want to do that." I told her they were really kind and wonderful people, she said people could change in 30 years. I am not sure of what the hell happened all that time ago, but holy toledo is there baggage.

Unfortunately, it is not my baggage and so I why did I bawl for on and off for the day. Good lord, family can sometimes suck.

I am happy, excited, nervous, thrilled to go to Kansas. These are people I want to meet. I really don't care what anyone else thinks. This is my life.

Been wondering what I could add to my story next. Maybe how all my friends have been so supportive and fabulous. Perhaps how it feels to be the only child of two people and now that all your siblings are only 1/2 or adoptive. No one full blood at all. I find that kind of not disturbing, but alone. Lonely? No, but different for sure. I have always, always, always figured my siblings as my siblings. I made smart ass comments to my mother several times; upon relection, not to be rude, but perhaps to find myself. The reaction from Mom didn't help me. I learned to button up.

Now; however, I am in this new vaccuum. The only child of two people who did not work out. The two people moved on and had other children with new spouses. More than one, they are full blooded siblings. The truth is I am a halfer....

Does it really matter though? Famly is family, friends have become family. I share no blood with them. No matter, I still consider them family. Still, I am struggling. It doesn't feel bad, but it nags. Where do I really fit in?

Oh! What Will I Tell My Family????

I have been thinking about this blog for days....not sure how to write it, not exactly sure what to say...How do I feel about telling the truth? People are funny. How they feel depends on their perspective and perspectives are funny. Just ask me...my student's perspective change on a dime sometimes to meet their own needs. I have found through experience, that so do adults. I guess we will tackle this post together...one by one.





The very first person I told, was my kids' dad; he was here, he brought me the letter. He knows the ins and outs of this story. He knows how I feel, how my mother has felt and to his defense, he is not really a emotional person. When I realized who sent the letter, he was surprised, but also very unattached.."Hmm, what do you know," was kind of his reaction. Since then he has asked several times if things are ok, but I certainly know he wasn't the man I could jump up and down with hugging and crying. That wouldn't be right...





As soon as he left, I immediately call my confidant, best bud, super, secret keeper, sister, Jessica. I can tell her anything, and boy diddy do I mean anything and she won't judge, rebuke or criticize. I love it and I love her!!! She, just like me, was in shock. "Are you kidding me, are you ok?" "Oh gosh, I guess I never thought that would happen." Yeah, me either Sis...but it did. Immediately we start taking about our parents, "What will Mom say?" Really, she is the one we worry about. Talking about her past hasn't been always a good thing and so we quit a long time ago. I am extremely concerned about the conversation...for now Jess and I decide I will email Steve back and go from there. Jessica is supportive no matter what. Even though we may not share the genes of the same dad,we value the same family and love the same man, as our dad, just the same.

As I drive to Spokane, my tummy is a tumulous ocean. Do I tell this weekend? Do I tell at all? Should I wait to see what will happen with Steve? Well...I am not a liar by nature, nor can I hide when I have "something" going on. I want to talk to my dad first, and luckily I have that opportunity. Early Saturday morning on my 40th birthday, Daddy and I have the opportunity to chat over coffee. In my best nonchalant conversation voice, I tell him we need to chat. Then...in stead of just easing into it...I blurt it out. "My biodad wrote me a letter." Daddy looks at me and says, "It is about time. I figured if he was any kind of man, he would do it at sometime or another." My mouth drops. Dad had told me that if I wanted to find him, I should. I investigated, but never really felt like it was the time. Because it wasn't, obviously. What a frickin' load off my mind. I read Dad the letter and he is happy. He asks me what I am going to do, I say email back-although I already had, but hadn't heard back yet. I am elated that he is happy. He raised me and will always love me and I will always love him. He told me he isn't threatened nor should he be...ever. I ask what I should do about Mom, he says tell her and tell her soon...that oughta be good.

We go to a delicious birthday breakfast; I am aloof. All I can think about is Mom...what will she say? Will she freak out? We run errands and go to my nephew's football game. Finally, when we are home and getting ready for the party, I recruit Jessica and we go to talk to Mom...she is putting on her makeup for my birthday party and I sit on the toilet and make Jess stand by the sink. There is no way I am doing this alone...with (ok without) finesse, I say to Mom, "I gotta talk to you about something, not bad, good actually, but serious." She gives me the look...the last time I had a conversation like this with Mom, I told her we had filed for divorce. I dropped that bomb on Thanksgiving Day. Nice huh? Like I said, no finesse. I just gotta get it out there, or I die of guilt. Not good...so I again blurt it out..."Steve contacted me the day before yesterday." She goes, "Steve who?" I almost scream, "Steve Wilder!" Mom get her best serious face and says, "Oh, I always thought he would." Are you even kidding me woman? You made it very clear when I was a tween that you didn't expect that; and I should never go that route. It would kill my Dad, Craig...well, obviously not. He has been good with it for years. Truly, I almost killed her; but I didn't. Then she pops off "Here I was thinking you got married or something behind my back." UMMMMM....first, there are no suitors who want to marry me Mom....but thanks for that.

Now...that was then...this is now. Two weeks in, Mom is worried I will pack up and move to Kansas. She even goes as far as saying, I am her baby....I remind her I am also his. She has just had me with her all these years. Mom is shook, unsure, I have to build her up. There are her own demons she is dealing with due to all this. However; they are not MY demons. They are hers and her 40 year ago memories. I can't help her, just reassure her of my love for her. That does not mean that I will not continue my search and my relationship with the Wilder Family, I will. The last time we spoke, her comment was, "I have always been glad I had you." I know Mom, it will be okay in time.

My brothers you ask. Brothers are brothers. Brett says that is cool and he is good. Hope it all goes well. My brother Matt, figured it out...He is so smart that way..."Oh I saw you were friends with someone named Steve Wilder on Facebook. I knew that was your biodad's name, so I figured you found each other." I felt kinda bad, not telling him first, but it all worked out.

My children are fine, I told them on the way home from Spokane. Matt says, "Do they have money?" REALLY????? Good Lord Matthew...he laughs and says he is just kidding. Actually, he has asked the most questions and been the most interested. We have looked at pictures together and it has been good. Rachel is curious and asks questions....one day we are working together and she says, "Maybe you got your weirdness from Steve." Yeah, Rachel, maybe that is it...

PS-How did you find me?

I remember thinking, after I got the letter, is this really happening to me? Today, two days before my 40th birthday. Shit, I knew it was supposed to be a biggie, but really???? Then the thought occurred to me that this was perfect timing. I had been needing a little "healing", if you will, and perhaps this was the beginning of just that. So that is the perspective I chose. I am still carrying that perspective at this writing.

Catching Up
I did email Steve the next day, from my classroom during downtime....I would compose what I would say, reread it, look at it again, tweak a word. Finally, I just pressed send. From that point, I figured, whatever happened, happened. It was out of my control. Whoa, out of my control. That is crazy.

More than 1 Man
Our first few emails contained mostly logistics. I live and work here; he lives and works there. I grew up here and this way; he works at one place or another. No talk about personal things. I don't mention my children, he doesn't mention his family either. Now anyone who knows me, even a little knows I like to converse. I want to build that relationship, get to know you. See if we are compatible. So it is no surprise that I put myself out there and eventually I write, "I guess a couple of things you might want to know are that I am a special education teacher, I am divorced (4 yrs ago), I have a 13 year old boy and an 11 year old girl...I also have a 39 year old brother, a 36 year old brother and a 33 year old sister." Let me just lay out my life for you in a sentence or less. That's me.

Floodgates open...apparently I have 3 aunts and uncles through my father all in differiing cities, and 2 aunts and an uncle through my stepmother. By the way...they all know about me and have met me when I was little!

Ok...I was just thinking one person, a man, who fathered me. Yeah, good job Mel being egocentric. The man moved on with his life. He's been married to his wife for 37 years-she knows me- and oh yes, you also have a 35 year old half sister and a 33 year old half brother. And another niece and 3 nephews and another on the way. Soooooooo....a whole family AND they've always known about me. I just never knew about them. That was a baseball bat to my mirror of thinking and I may be still digesting all of what that entails.

Birthday Letters
You hear of those stories where the father finds a child because he is dying or because he needs penance or whatever. This man wants to relationship with me. Learn about who I am, where I came from and where I am going. In one of his very first emails he mentions that he has written me every year on my birthday, but never knew where to send them. Who does that? A man who wishes he would have made other decisions concerning a daughter, that is who.

Several correspondences later-at this point I am watching my email like a hawk-to see if Steve writes me or has any more to say to me. I was half afraid there may be nothing left to say. Might just fizzle, but no, there is always more to say to someone you've been waiting your whole life to know about. I ask the question that is itching at the back of my brain in a post script...

"PS-How did you fine me?"

Here is where the world becomes a grain of sand. Steve did not know my parent's last name. In a conversation with his mother before she passed away he mentioned that fact and his mother pipes up that she knows it. I am thinking, "Are you kidding me?????" This is never a conversation they had together? Good Lord. The important fact is that she did know it, she told it to him and his search began. On the internet. There he found my parents. Looking at the relatives, a Melinda Gray (ME!) came up. From there all it took was a white listings search, he found my information with Mike's and there ya be. Apparently, when you know a name, finding someone can be easier than you think. Almost 40 years not knowing a name. Get the name, get that world wide web and get hooked up.

"He'll Come Find You One Day"

Those were the words my grandmother said to me many, many years ago while discussing my biological father. "He loved you and he will come find you." I wasn't sure, it had been so many years and I just thought that would never happen. The story I had in my head was that he chose to give up parental rights so Craig could adopt me. That was so long ago and now I have heard some differing information. I really am not ready to find out the real story, but I will...eventually.

For now, I want to share the last week and a half of my life with you. On Oct 27th my former husband, Mike, brought me a letter. When I first looked at it, I was sure it was my handwriting I was looking at and I was sure it was probably from a doctor's office or something. Then I skimmed up to the return address. Wilder-in Kansas. I had to sit down. Immediately all the emotions from 38 years came crashing in my ears. The room actually did spin a little bit-I only ever thought that happened in movies...

I tore open the letter and it was from a man whose name is Steven Wilder. He said he knew me when I was little and that he wasn't even sure I would know who he was. Well, boy diddy, I totally knew who he was. He was my biological father. The one I had always wondered about...Did he really love me as Grandma and my uncles had said? Would he pursue me one day? That would be yes, he did. And I was knocked off my rocker.

Over the years I had been curious about this Steven Wilder who was my bio dad. But I knew nothing except my mom met him in Nebraska, she got pregnant, they married and lived in Denver. They split and Mom and I moved back to Hastings. Mom and I moved to Spokane, she met Craig, they got married and Craig adopted me. End of story. My mother was not so big on talking about Steve-which I get; a relationship that did not end well and produced a baby-I perhaps wouldn't want to talk about that pain either. Finally, I just gave up talking to Mom about it and so every so often I would as Grandma questions. She was always open and honest. I am grateful to her for that.

As time went on the internet came into play and every so often I would look him up. I didn't know anything but his name, so maybe I found him or maybe not over the years. I guess it doesn't really matter now. I didn't try and contact any of those men because I didn't want to hurt my Dad and I knew my mother would be mortified. In the last couple of years; however, Dad said that if I wanted to find him I could. So I've mulled it around, did a little investigating, but it never went anywhere until now.

The first thing I did, was call my sister. That is what I always do with big news. I think she was in just as much shock as I. "What are you going to do?" she wanted to know. I told her I was going to email him back the next day. He must be going crazy wanting to know if I got this letter. Good, Bad or other, the man needed to know he found the right daughter.

So I did. And so started a week of email conversations I will write about next...Life changes in one breath-I now have had the experience for myself and I know it is true.