I have been thinking about this blog for days....not sure how to write it, not exactly sure what to say...How do I feel about telling the truth? People are funny. How they feel depends on their perspective and perspectives are funny. Just ask me...my student's perspective change on a dime sometimes to meet their own needs. I have found through experience, that so do adults. I guess we will tackle this post together...one by one.
The very first person I told, was my kids' dad; he was here, he brought me the letter. He knows the ins and outs of this story. He knows how I feel, how my mother has felt and to his defense, he is not really a emotional person. When I realized who sent the letter, he was surprised, but also very unattached.."Hmm, what do you know," was kind of his reaction. Since then he has asked several times if things are ok, but I certainly know he wasn't the man I could jump up and down with hugging and crying. That wouldn't be right...
As soon as he left, I immediately call my confidant, best bud, super, secret keeper, sister, Jessica. I can tell her anything, and boy diddy do I mean anything and she won't judge, rebuke or criticize. I love it and I love her!!! She, just like me, was in shock. "Are you kidding me, are you ok?" "Oh gosh, I guess I never thought that would happen." Yeah, me either Sis...but it did. Immediately we start taking about our parents, "What will Mom say?" Really, she is the one we worry about. Talking about her past hasn't been always a good thing and so we quit a long time ago. I am extremely concerned about the conversation...for now Jess and I decide I will email Steve back and go from there. Jessica is supportive no matter what. Even though we may not share the genes of the same dad,we value the same family and love the same man, as our dad, just the same.
As I drive to Spokane, my tummy is a tumulous ocean. Do I tell this weekend? Do I tell at all? Should I wait to see what will happen with Steve? Well...I am not a liar by nature, nor can I hide when I have "something" going on. I want to talk to my dad first, and luckily I have that opportunity. Early Saturday morning on my 40th birthday, Daddy and I have the opportunity to chat over coffee. In my best nonchalant conversation voice, I tell him we need to chat. Then...in stead of just easing into it...I blurt it out. "My biodad wrote me a letter." Daddy looks at me and says, "It is about time. I figured if he was any kind of man, he would do it at sometime or another." My mouth drops. Dad had told me that if I wanted to find him, I should. I investigated, but never really felt like it was the time. Because it wasn't, obviously. What a frickin' load off my mind. I read Dad the letter and he is happy. He asks me what I am going to do, I say email back-although I already had, but hadn't heard back yet. I am elated that he is happy. He raised me and will always love me and I will always love him. He told me he isn't threatened nor should he be...ever. I ask what I should do about Mom, he says tell her and tell her soon...that oughta be good.
We go to a delicious birthday breakfast; I am aloof. All I can think about is Mom...what will she say? Will she freak out? We run errands and go to my nephew's football game. Finally, when we are home and getting ready for the party, I recruit Jessica and we go to talk to Mom...she is putting on her makeup for my birthday party and I sit on the toilet and make Jess stand by the sink. There is no way I am doing this alone...with (ok without) finesse, I say to Mom, "I gotta talk to you about something, not bad, good actually, but serious." She gives me the look...the last time I had a conversation like this with Mom, I told her we had filed for divorce. I dropped that bomb on Thanksgiving Day. Nice huh? Like I said, no finesse. I just gotta get it out there, or I die of guilt. Not good...so I again blurt it out..."Steve contacted me the day before yesterday." She goes, "Steve who?" I almost scream, "Steve Wilder!" Mom get her best serious face and says, "Oh, I always thought he would." Are you even kidding me woman? You made it very clear when I was a tween that you didn't expect that; and I should never go that route. It would kill my Dad, Craig...well, obviously not. He has been good with it for years. Truly, I almost killed her; but I didn't. Then she pops off "Here I was thinking you got married or something behind my back." UMMMMM....first, there are no suitors who want to marry me Mom....but thanks for that.
Now...that was then...this is now. Two weeks in, Mom is worried I will pack up and move to Kansas. She even goes as far as saying, I am her baby....I remind her I am also his. She has just had me with her all these years. Mom is shook, unsure, I have to build her up. There are her own demons she is dealing with due to all this. However; they are not MY demons. They are hers and her 40 year ago memories. I can't help her, just reassure her of my love for her. That does not mean that I will not continue my search and my relationship with the Wilder Family, I will. The last time we spoke, her comment was, "I have always been glad I had you." I know Mom, it will be okay in time.
My brothers you ask. Brothers are brothers. Brett says that is cool and he is good. Hope it all goes well. My brother Matt, figured it out...He is so smart that way..."Oh I saw you were friends with someone named Steve Wilder on Facebook. I knew that was your biodad's name, so I figured you found each other." I felt kinda bad, not telling him first, but it all worked out.
My children are fine, I told them on the way home from Spokane. Matt says, "Do they have money?" REALLY????? Good Lord Matthew...he laughs and says he is just kidding. Actually, he has asked the most questions and been the most interested. We have looked at pictures together and it has been good. Rachel is curious and asks questions....one day we are working together and she says, "Maybe you got your weirdness from Steve." Yeah, Rachel, maybe that is it...
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